The regret of saying no to love

How many times can we say no to love during the years we have on this planet? If we say no too many times, will love one day turn its back on us?

The Universe presents us with opportunities throughout our life to love and to be loved. Each time, we get to decide what to do with those invitations.

I’ve welcomed a lot of love into my life, but I’ve also turned a lot away.

I was always the one to light the spark that ended the relationship. I suggested the conversation. I initiated the goodbye. It could have gone further. Yet, I know in some cases, the relationship was already far past its expiration date.

For so many years, I thought conflict was a sign of incompatibility. I didn’t feel equipped to ride through the times where I really clashed intensely with another guy. The discomfort would become too much, and I’d head for the exit.

This is still a struggle of mine. Lesser so, but it’s still tough. It’s like I missed out on a course early in life that was supposed to teach me to resolve conflict.

It’s not easy for me to stick with discomfort. To stay present long enough to find what’s on the other side.

One day, almost 10 months ago, while on vacation in San Diego, I stumbled upon a guy unlike any I’d ever met. It was unexpected. Our connection was almost immediate, vibrant.

So much has happened in that time. He taught me a great deal about myself, the Universe, self-care, generosity, and how to love. It’s like we spoke the same language in so many ways.

We were different from each other in some ways, but both seekers. Explorers of spiritual realms. I felt like I had a companion to explore all of the unexplored questions of the Universe.

I miss him and that companionship in such a deep way.